I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
