thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
