swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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