Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
