i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
