god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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