Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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