i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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