As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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