I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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