I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
