if you like me you must not know who I am
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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