Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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