Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
