Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
