Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
