quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
