thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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