This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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