but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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