part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am naked and annoyed.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
