there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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