I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
