It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
