Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
