Swine flu. Run for my life!
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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