i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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