If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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