one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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