12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
