3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
