Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
