Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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