If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The adults are the big ones right?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
