After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
