Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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