Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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