I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize