i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
