I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
dude. I can hear the air.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
