it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
