your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
