I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
