I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
