new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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