I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize