My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
