i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
