So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
