I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
