This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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