her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
