the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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