would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
