tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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